My Blog Is Your Blog...

Anniversary and Beyond

2006-07-19T19:40:00.000+01:00

Well, the first anniversary has been and gone. An emotional day with my wife, Julie (who looked after me in the carriage) and her mother. King's Cross in the morning, two minute silence at St Pancras Church followed by a wonderful service then an evening ceremony at Regent's Park. I know that's a bit of a potted history of the day but I feel that the day has been talked about by fellow bloggers in a much better fashion.

This time last year I was two days away from leaving hospital - of course, I didn't know that at the time. It was also two days from a second attack on the Underground network - thankfully one that was unsuccessful. The news was breaking as one of the nurses at the Royal Free (where my gratitude goes beyond words) was getting my paperwok together for my departure back into the real world away from the cocoon of safety that had been my four bed ward. It made the situation I had been involved in seem all the more real.

While I have been thinking back a lot to my time in hospital, I haven't felt too bad - possibly because (for the most part) hospital was my safety zone. It was somewhere quite removed from the everyday. In fact, the only real thing I have ben feeling is extremely lethargic - in a physical sense. Falling asleep on buses, sofas and floors at the drop of the hat - however this seems to have passed (it might have something to do with the wonderful weather we have been getting.

So where from here? Where from the "watershed" of the anniversary? It is true, I do feel a sense that movement is being made and I am letting something go. It just isn't the fact that it happened, nor is it the memories of the people who didn't make their journeys. I didn't wake up on July 8th and think "wow, I feel just like I did on July 6th 2005" as if the last year hadn't happened. That day has left an indelible mark on everyone directly, and indeed indirectly, caught up in the attacks. Some physically, some menatlly. Some both.

However, I do feel that I am starting to push forward and push through to whatever is out there for me. But I will not forget.

My wife and I recently met up with our local MP to discuss our feelings with regards to a Public Inquiry, compensation issues and other things (mostly relating to problems my wife had faced when trying to find out to which Hospital I was taken - it took around five people on constant redial five hours to get through to the emergency helpline).

Compensation - fair compensation to people who have had their lives changed forever by a criminal act - is the one issue above everything that I want to push (and will do at a meeting between Tessa Jowell and John Reid which is to be held in the near future - should be fun). If people had lost limbs etc through a civil act of negligence, the payouts would go way over the £500,000 ceiling imposed by the CICA. While I do not begrudge payouts for such victims, surely the victims - the people who have lost limbs, lost family members, wage earners - should be similarly recompensed? They should not have financial worries. Full Stop.

This is unbelievable

2006-07-06T16:13:00.000+01:00

Tanweer Video - The fact that it was released today is pure evil.

In it, he mentions Afghanistan and Iraq. He also said that innocent people (including Muslims) were killed because we elected the Government. Are you watching, Dr Reid?

Nearly Here

2006-07-05T20:41:00.000+01:00

Please excuse me if this post is rubbish and nonsensical.

It is starting to sink in that (almost) 12 months have passed since Western Europe's first suicide bomb attack. Since the biggest attack on London since the second World War. Since four young men decided Since countless people's lives changed. Since I felt the full force of a bomb and was injured. Since people inches away from me lost their lives.

Since my wife received a babbling phonecall from me saying "I was in it.. I'm sorry, I've lost the wedding ring" when I had a gaping hole in my leg. Since my wife travelled down from Huddersfield in a car only to see the quite frightening sign "Avoid London. Area Closed". Since my wife spent five hours not knowing where I was following my phonecall as I didn't know where I was going to end up. Since my family (including my 80 year old Nana) came down to London from Sunderland not really knowing what to expect.

This week has been harder than most, for sure - it has been hard not because I am thinking of my own injuries, but for the people who did not make it. For their families. The anniversary effect is definitely active.

I am also thinking of everyone who lost their limbs and the fact they now have a daily struggle through absolutely no fault of their own as well as the fact that they have to struggle financially - it simply should not be happening. No excuses. NONE. This also goes for bereaved families who have lost not only loved ones but wage earners (this extends, for me, way beyond the 7th of July - it should go for anyone involved in any act of terrorism wherever it is).

I seem to be bouncing from subject to subject so will post something else tomorrow (if I can). In the meantime I will make dinner (or tea as I normally call it - I am from the North after all), put on some music and keep one eye on the football.

Hyde Park - Saturday June 17th

2006-06-18T20:41:00.000+01:00

On the above date I went to the greatest gig I have ever witnessed (for sheer scale). 85,000 came to see Juliette and The Licks(who were excellent), Angels and Airwaves(who were not), Queens Of The Stone Age(who were amazing), Motorhead(rock personified) and the big headliners, Foo Fighters.

The whole day was great and not only was topped off by some storming performances but by the surprise appearances of Roger Taylor and Brian May to help out with "Tie Your Mother Down" - sheer class.

I had a brilliant time in the sunshine and my spirits were lifted for the day - I was even jumping up and down (admittedly I was predominantly on one leg but my leg was holding up nicely) but I had to move out of the way of some major moshing - I was a bit too worried that I would lose my footing and hurt myself; I also started to feel a little claustrophobic. However, I wanted to get as far to the front as possible as I wanted to feel the full impact of the music and lose myself in it, which I did for at least four hours. We had water thrown over us every other minute to cool us down which is very refreshing - it was good to be right in the thick of something so huge.

All in all a day to remember - a day that has made me glad that I am alive.

Catch up

2006-06-01T13:51:00.000+01:00

I haven't been blogging for a while - it isn't anything to do with work or being busy - just plain laziness coupled with the fact that I'm walking around in a daze most of the time.

Quite a lot has happened since my last post - travelled to Huddersfield to see a fellow passenger who has moved back there - she helped save my leg and most probably my life - there is not anything I can do to adequately express how much her actions mean to me. her family are also some of the nicest people I have met (and I have met a lot of very nice people since July 05). Also there was the ISC Report, the Government Narrative, meetings with Tessa Jowell, the Home Secretary and the arrival of the London Assembly report - all 157 pages of it (Governmental cowards take note). I was at the public meeting to show support for all my fellow tube travellers. I decided not to proceed with my version of events as my memory has been badly affected and I am not the most eloquent of people - the people who did give testimonies, both public and private, said everything that I felt at that time.

The meeting with Dr John Reid, our Home Secretary - an interesting encounter, if not entirely fruitful. Basically he said "there will be no public enquiry as it will divert resources"; my wife (undoubtedly the brains of the Mitchell household) asked the Home Sec "so what level of resources would need to be used before it would divert from other investigations?". He did not have an answer for that. He made a big deal of the £2.5m extra. While anything extra is more than welcomed, he will not placate people who will need caring for the rest of their lives and people whos loved ones were tekn away from them.

On the domestic front, Flat number three has fallen through - a process which we began in October last year. Two flats in London and one house in surrey has fallen through for different reasons. We are now renting a basement flat for six months until we decide what to do. It seems likely that we will buy a house in Northern Ireland (where my wife is from), rent a flat in London, keep the house for a couple of years and then sell it as the house prices have started to rise there. Or we may move there completely. To be honest, I don't know whether I do want to leave London. I have an urge to succeed here (although in what, I do not know)

I am posting this now even though I do not feel like doing anything - to be honest, I'm in a pretty foul mood. I was really looking forward to living in the last flat we were going to buy. I just feel totally out of sorts and in a complete state of bewilderment. My trauma does not seem to be going away, my memory is still terrible and I just cannot think straight at all. I am glad to be alive but I am not happy that I feel like a shell of a human. My emotions have been scrambled to pieces, and it is now really getting to me.

There isn't really anything more to add, except I really feel like running away, but I will keep going. I have to. I feel quite guilty to have moments like this, as I should be living each day to the full - to honour the memories of the people who did not make it (for some reason I can't bring myself to say the D word), but there are days when I really want to just sleep - to shut myself out of the real world, becuase for every day that I think that the world is a wonderful place, there are two days when I think that the world, for want of a better word, simply sucks.

Sorry to end on such a sour note - I am sure I will feel better soon.

One down, one to go..

2006-05-11T10:44:00.000+01:00

Blaming it on a lack of resources is just rubbish. Someone decides the amount of money and other resources available to MI5 and someone decides within MI5 how those should be allocated. These people should be held accountable when they get it wrong. We need a public enquiry into the basis of the decision to divert attention away from the bombers.

I do not know why the Government thinks a "narrative" (ie a story - well I'm sorry, I know how the story ended) is enough.

I will be watching Mr Reid's story-telling very soon.

CICA and the matter of Mr Holness

2006-05-04T13:51:00.000+01:00

The way that our country's compensation board allocates payments is nothing short of disgusting. I, personally, couldn't give two figs what money is offered to me - there are people out there like Mr Biddell (who has family and friends running the London Marathon for him - while this is a truly wonderful things for them to do and I truly salute them they shouldn't have to do it - this man, and everyone else who have lost limbs and their way of life should be comfortable FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

Oh yes, to the average person on the street the CICA's top payment seems brilliant, but it is nothing when you have no legs, have to move house or totally renovate to fit around the life that was given to you by a man detonating a bomb feet away from you.

The Home Office has said that they have "previously proposed that the Criminal Injuries Compensation Scheme should remove the compensation award limit" but that victims of crime with minor injuries may not be entitled to any cash, just "practical help". Giving with one hand and taking with the other does not help the matter. The whole system needs to be updated and given much more focus as (God forbid) if this happens again the CICA have no excuses (we were not set up to deal with this scale of event etc).

I read the front page of yesterday's Evening Standard with great interest. Garri Holness, who was held up as a beacon of hope against adversity after the loss of his lower left leg, but later found to be part of a gang sentenced to seven years (but only serving three) for a brutal series of rapes on two girls. He was saying that his life has been ruined as he has lost his job after the relevations came to light. He stated that he "saw himself as some sort of role model for kids who have offended" and got their life on track. However, two facts cloud his statement - he lied about his conviction being quashed and , most importantly, he was then known as Gary Linton. So he changed his name to start his new life - to hide it away.

The article that the relevations stopped the airing of a "lucrative" book deal, a Christmas Single(?) and also a BBC documentary (which he later admitted being paid for - this can happen as I am being paid for a magazine article I did with a girl who saved my leg and, in fact, my life but I am giving every last penny to charity; there is no way I want to keep it for myself).

He was on the front page stating that he wasn't looking forward for sympathy but if that is the case why go to the media to say that? Don't get me wrong - to lose your leg and your mother in such a short space of time is something I wouldn't wish on anyone and we do have "free speech" but I do think he forgoed his right to de-cry his life when he forced himself on two girls. Time does not make that go away.

He survived - he should be thankful. I know I am, and even when I have had my major wobbles and thought "there were so many more vital people than me on that train and yet I survive? Why didn't I go and they survived?" I very quickly snap back and realise that the best thing I can do to honour them is to live my life as best I can.

Sorry for the rant but the article didn't sit easy with me at all.

My Second Bite of the Big Apple

2006-05-03T11:37:00.000+01:00

I mentioned in a previous post my wonderful trip to New York. We spent four brilliant days travelling around on open-top tourist buses and it was the first time I had been up to Harlem. The area was really nice and may I just say far nicer than some areas of London. Apart from that we shopped, I jumped up and down on the piano from "BIG", went to Little Italy for a great meal, had the best view from the Empire State Building (75 miles visibilty - the last we went it was about 10) and generally had an amazing family holiday. We also went to an excellent Piano Bar called Don't Tell Mama which had a very bawdy atmosphere but the most amazing singers who, strangely, were also serving our drinks. I summoned up the courage to get on stage and sang "Walking On Memphis" which was pretty well received - Broadway here I come (or not)!

We stayed at an excellent place called Radio City Apartments which I cannot recommend enough - it is (as the name of the place suggests) a hotel but actually a series of apartments with their own kitchen/dining room. It gave the whole place a homey kind of feel. It was also much cheaper than many other hotels in the are (right next to Times Square) and far nicer. If anyone reading this is going to New York, stop at these apartments - you will not regret it.

There were huge swathes of times in which I did not think about bombs, about bombers, about war, darkness, my lack of motivation or any other negative emotions. I did not want to leave as I knew that coming back to London would mean back to real life and although I am frankly ecstatic that I still have my leg and my life, I am having a bit of a problem with real life. I was on the Staten Island Ferry looking at Manhattan thinking "wow I'm alive" - it was a great feeling.

I decided to go down to the former site of the World Trade Center (I don't really like the term "Ground Zero" - sounds a bit like some sort of attraction) and had a bit of time thinking about things. I felt angry as a couple were taking photos of each other and pulling faces to the camera as if they were at a fairground.

The city is still obviously coming to terms with and feeling the effects of the events of September 11, 2001 and will continue to do so for a very, very long time. 15,000 people so far have been diagnosed with respiratory ailments as a direct result of the attacks.

All in all the trip made me relax, contemplate the last ten months (is it really ten months ago?) and has made me more determined to change my life for the better.

aawww Diddums

2006-05-02T11:16:00.000+01:00

Poor Mr Clarke may be under pressure now, but the poor chap had a bad time of it 10 months ago.

Grr.

Start Spreadin' The News.......

2006-04-28T14:13:00.000+01:00

I have just had the best holiday I have ever had (bar my honeymoon). Me, my wife and her two sisters have just come back from New York - and how brilliant it was.

I've been before in 2002 but this was a totally different experience. I did not want to leave. I only have a few minutes in the internet cafe so I'm going to talk about it in more detail on another occasion.

Until then....

Depeche Mode and Chairs

2006-04-11T10:20:00.000+01:00

They were excellent at Wembley last week - I sang my heart out and enjoyed every second. I felt quite emotional, too - as I normally do at the moment.

I realised today that my emotions are far closer to the surface than I previously thought. I came into work today to find that my chair had disappeared - which made me feel a bit miffed as I still feel out of the loop. I found out that it was in someone else's room so I knocked quietly on their door and simply said "Sorry, I think someone's taken my chair..."

I didn't actually get that far as the person in question snapped "go and get another person's chair" to which I meekly replied "ok".

After this I got someone else's chair and promptly started to cry. About a chair. I promptly stifled the tears and now have the urge and walk out of work. These emotions have left me a little befuddled, to be honest. I think it was the sharpness that was displayed by the other person and the fact that if anyone is less than nice to me I really do take it more personally now. I need to get myself together as I have a team meeting in about 15 mins.

Onwards and upwards.

Busy Busy

2006-04-03T14:59:00.000+01:00

I have had (and am having) a hectic day today. I had an hour and a quarter of intensive physiotherapy followed by work (which is my current location) and tonight I will be seeing Depeche Mode.

I returned from my Monkey World and general Dorset trip yesterday - the weekend was excellent. We went to Swanage for a general walk around the seafront, Poole (which, to be honest wasn't the most exciting place but was very picturesque, a beautiful restaruant in Weymouth and then Bournemouth yesterday.

It was an ordinary (but fun) weekend away and it felt so good to be out of London for a few days.

It was my birthday last Friday and I woke up with a wide range of emotions. I was excited that it was my birthday, ecstatic that I was still here to see my birthday but those positive emotions were tempered with an incredible sadness - I felt so sad that there were people who were no longer around to celebrate such events. I know that I am thankful to be here but my grief for the people who did not make it on July 7th is still intense and anything that makes me feel alive and, indeed, glad to be alive also makes me sad (and, quite frankly, angry then full of disbelief) that ANYONE should have to lose their life in such a barbaric way.

But life carries on. It is just that sometimes I find it difficult that time is marching onwards and the gap between that day and today is growing, but I still feel like it is July 2005.

This is a bit of a non-post as I am still saying things I said months ago but that's the way I feel - like I am spinning around on a round-a-bout; I am feeling that I am moving but the movement is not how it should be. One bad day and I get knocked off and realise that I haven't moved on at all.

However, with the help I have received from Trauama Specialists, friends (Kings Cross United and Non-Kings Cross United both) and family, I will get there and the raw feelings I have now will undoubtedly subside. There is still some way to go, though.

Monkeys and the BBC

2006-03-30T14:13:00.000+01:00

Hello,

I have just seen the BBC article regarding security on July 7th and was very interesting, if not wholly surprising. I mean, Parliament isn't going to crap on their own doorstep, are they?

On a completely random note, me and my wife are going to Monkey World! I am very much looking forward to it, as it is just outside of Wool in Dorset which is apparently beautiful and, of course, I am going to see my cousins for the weekend!

Hurrah!

Swirly Head

2006-03-27T10:49:00.000+01:00

My head is swirling like never before, so this may be complete gobbledy-gook. Since my last post a lot has happened. Me and my other half have moved out of our flat and are living with a friend until we complete on a flat of our own. It will hopefully contribute to getting a feeling of normality back, as while I have been experience "everyday noraml" things, I have not been feeling that way.

I, like my KCU blogging companions (and some non-bloggers) attended a 7th July Commitee Meeting on March 23rd which was very emotional. It was the first time I had really heard what people at the other sites had to go through - I had read about their experiences, but never heard them. It made me realise that the support I have had from King's Cross United has been invaluable; I still have a long way to go, but the group of people I have met have given me strength and hope for the future.

It was an opportunity for people to voice their concerns on a number of issues, from communications facilities on the trains themselves (or lack of) to post-event communications (or lack of). The need for a public enquiry and lack of Government response was also voiced - this was not in the meeting's re-mit but who wouldn't take the opportunity? I know I would.

On a personal note, I went to the ENT specialist to check up my blown-out eardrum. I was extremely nervous as I wanted to hear good news - I am due to go to New York on April 19th (about which I am also extremely nervous; Mr Valium may be of use in that situation) and did not want to be told that I couldn't make the journey.

For some strange reason I did not think that I would be treated by the coldest human being I have ever met. He took me into his consulting room, and asked me if my hearing had improved after the operation. Unfortunately it hadn't, as I now had tinnitus which had obviously impacted on my hearing. He looked as if to say, "sorry, that's the wrong answer - you are supposed to say yes and you are lying if you said no" which was a tad disconcerting.

The nice man then checked my ear and ermmed. Then he ermmed again. Then he said, "that might not be good". I was wondering what was happening but he had turned back to his desk to look at my notes. He kept looking. I kept sitting there. I decided to ask what was wrong. The nice man ermmed again while still looking at the notes. Finally he stirred into motion and said, "I need to check this with the head consultant". I was left there like a lemon wondering what on earth was going on. My feeling of bewilderment only got worse when he returned and said "could you wait outside please?"

I decided to step up and tell him that I was wondering what he saw and that because of the way I received the injury surely he could see that I was a bit upset at being kept in the dark. Obviously he had taken this on board as he responded with....

"Yep". Yep?!?!

He then, once again, asked me to leave the consulting room. I waited outside and was ready to run off there and then. I could not handle the thought of having another operation as the last one left me unable to open my jaw properly for a fortnight. However, some minutes had passed and he asked me to return to the consulting room. It was there that the cold robot consultant had obviously malfunctioned and the human equivalent had taken over, as it was like two different people - he had told that while I still had a hole in my ear, it was tiny and healing very well. He drew me a diagram showing me the original hole (which was quite large) and the hole now (nowhere near as large). He gave me the ok to fly and even apologised for his earlier conduct. I was then on my merry way. It was quite a highly charged check-up which ended with some good news.

However, I am now slightly worried as I had a check-up in December and that consultant had told me that the hole had healed - so does this mean that the hole is a recent thing and will get worse? Could well be - I have another appointment in four months time (which will take me to July and one year after the event; it has gone quite quickly, and yet slowly at some times). In the meantime, I have to think positive as that is, quite frankly, the only way to get through things.

I am writing this as I am approaching the end of my work day. It has taken me all day to write this and my concentration has been tested. I have sent precisely two work emails. I will do more tomorrow. Hopefully.

Dunblane

2006-03-13T12:33:00.000+01:00

It is hard to believe that is ten years since the horrific incident at Dunblane.

Gun control is an absolute must - I believe there is no true reason for anyone to have firearms in their possession, but for those who do own firearms a National Register needs to be implemented now.

Wanadon't

2006-03-08T16:09:00.000+01:00

Hello to you all,

I am writing after being mercilessly cut from the world of home surfing. Me and my missus are moving out of our flat on Saturday and we have had to cancel our broadband... however we experienced a technical problem for two weeks prior to that which also meant no internet. Which was offically NOT GOOD.

I am, therefore, writing this at work when I should be doing work. But I'm not doing work - I seem to have lost my work head in the two months since I re-joined the real world.

I have decided that my next post will be my version of events on 7/7 so they can be - in the sense of this blog - put to one side so I can start to write about other things. I don't know whether it'll be political or just plain daft, but I'm sure I'll continue with blogging.

The problem with going over what happened me on that day is that I have done it so many times to my family, various members of the press that it now seems like a story - something that happened to someone else (I know that isn't true when I look at my leg - I am so thankful that it is still attached to me). However, I will try my best.

It's happened

2006-02-15T13:20:00.000+01:00

It seems that I am posting about nothing but July 7th and how it has affected me. I'm sorry for such a one trick pony style blog but I can't get anything else to stay in my mind.

The last two weeks have hit me hard. I now feel almost incapable of digesting or retaining any information. I am actually scared that my short-term memory, motivation and concentration are virtually non-existent. To be honest, I was a bit of a procrastinator before all this, but it is now ridiculous. I remember that I need to do something and by the time I remember it I have forgotten it; while this isn't essentially procrastination, my motivation has slumped to the point where I know something is desperately wrong.

I am writing this at work and I should be doing what little work I have, but I need to write this now while it is fresh.

I am working on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays now but I had to have Monday off, as everything became too much. I am constantly crying inside for the people who lost their lives next to me and on the other routes.

Emotions have become dulled, all except one; anger. It isn't necessarily constructive anger, either. Whenever I see anything regarding Abu Hamza or his right-hand man (the one regular spouting nonsensical vitriol for Hamza - his name escapes me) I feel an almost overwhelming urge to smash something.

I received a form today that I have to fax to the Police stating that I wish for my clothing to be destroyed - seeing the clothing in black and white there is eerie. My left shoe isn't there as it was blown off.

I am extremely frustrated in my lack of interest in anything - I feel I should be using my time off and my weekends better but the only person to sort any of that out is me. The fact I'm aware of that is what is causing my frustration.

For some reason, work isn't alleviating the fogginess - as I'm only here 3 days a week and I'm not doing my old job it's still very strange being back.

I hope that I can focus back with the help of a band called Duke Gonzo - they consist of an ex-work colleague, his brother and a couple of other people in the Music industry, and they have asked me to manage them. Hopefully this will spur me on address the problems with focus and motivation.

Until then, I am sorry for the rant - I think I might start posting about other things.

Docklands - Ten Years On

2006-02-10T10:44:00.000+01:00

Today is the tenth anniversary of the Docklands bombing - two people died and hundreds were injured.

My thoughts go out to those who were affected by this.

In fact my thoughts go out to everyone who has been affected by any act of terrorism wherever in the world it may be.

A cartoon has led to people dying

2006-02-06T18:06:00.000+01:00

Things have gone too far.

That's all I want to say at the moment.

Tuesday 7th February

2006-02-06T12:37:00.000+01:00

7/7 Memorial Service

This Tuesday 7th February will be 7 months to the day since the 7/7 London Bombings.

To commemorate this and to demand an open-ended public enquiry [into the meta-reasons behind the bombings, and the police handling] a non-denominational Memorial Service will be held outside Downing Street on the morning of the 7th February, a ringing of bells and reading of the names of all those who died that day.Meet at 8.45 am outside Downing Street.For more info, please call 0785 439 0408 and check for updates on this website.

You may get arrested, but hey ho. At least we will not be inciting racial hatred.

Thursday blues

2006-02-02T10:16:00.000+01:00

I have woken up today with a very strange feeling which only seems to hit me on a Thursday (the day of the bombing). I phoned the NHS Traumatic Stress Clinic believing I had an appointment today (I have had regular sessions since around October last year, which have helped - details of UK Trauma services can be found here)

I asked if the nice lady on the other side of the phone could confirm what time my appointment was today. She replied with "Let me just check for you" followed by, "oh yes, it's at four o'clock. Next Thursday". Damn.

I feel a bit deflated but I have quite a few things to do today, and that is exactly what I will do. Get off my bum and do them.

I think it is time to challenge my lack of motivation.

Out Of the Loop?

2006-01-27T20:04:00.000+01:00

I have been back at work today - it has been a bit strange. I was in a team meeting and we were discussing what each person was doing and I felt an almost overwhelming urge to cry. I was looking around and felt so distant from everyone; like being trapped in some sort of bubble. Events in front of my eyes were playing out like a film and I was not an active participant. This is one symptom of PTSD that I have been trying to work past (along with lack of concentration and forgetfulness) with a modicum of difficulty.

I felt like I shouldn't have been there - someone else has been drafted in to do my job and I have been given a project to keep me going. Don't understand why I felt this way on this particular day; I suppose the bad days come and go. Swings and Round-a-bouts.

The events of six months ago are still playing on my mind, and may do for the rest of my life - I am now trying to learn to adapt to those feelings and incorporate them into my everyday life, which is awkward at times; I find that, in my head, I am forever screaming "but don't you understand?!?! IT WAS A BOMB!!! People died!! Right next to me!!" but I don't obviously let those thoughts get into the general mouth area. I have to keep going, however - we all have to keep going.

I think that this weekend relaxing is on the agenda.

Gunky Head

2006-01-26T11:43:00.000+01:00

I have been getting slowly back to some sort of work-related normality (it's pretty tiring as my brain has almost been in hibernation for the past six months work-wise).

A slight setback has arisen in the form of a nasty cold - I seem to have worse colds nowadays as when I had an operation in November last year to fix a hole in my eardrum as a result of the bomb it messed with my sinuses - now I have pretty bad headaches and general poo-ness around the eyes and nose. Still, it doesn't concern me as I am thankful to be here at all.

I have reached my limit with daytime TV (I reached this in September) so I may watch a film or try to concentrate on the computer in front of me (difficult at the moment) or read a book.

The options are bewildering.

Back to work

2006-01-10T19:52:00.000+01:00

I started my road back to work on Monday six months after July 7th. It was extremely weird to be siting back at a desk, shuffling papers and looking at work emails. I was only there for three hours but hey, it was a start.

I'm working three days a week for the time being which will no doubt help me settle back into things - it's nerve-wracking, certainly, but I'm determined to get back on track.

New Year..... New Start

2006-01-06T19:11:00.000+01:00

Hello to you all,

This blog is just one way (as there have been others) of getting things off my chest. I'll be posting serious articles and also lighter things from time to time.

Thanks for the taking the time to read my blog.