Anniversary and Beyond

Well, the first anniversary has been and gone. An emotional day with my wife, Julie (who looked after me in the carriage) and her mother. King's Cross in the morning, two minute silence at St Pancras Church followed by a wonderful service then an evening ceremony at Regent's Park. I know that's a bit of a potted history of the day but I feel that the day has been talked about by fellow bloggers in a much better fashion.

This time last year I was two days away from leaving hospital - of course, I didn't know that at the time. It was also two days from a second attack on the Underground network - thankfully one that was unsuccessful. The news was breaking as one of the nurses at the Royal Free (where my gratitude goes beyond words) was getting my paperwok together for my departure back into the real world away from the cocoon of safety that had been my four bed ward. It made the situation I had been involved in seem all the more real.

While I have been thinking back a lot to my time in hospital, I haven't felt too bad - possibly because (for the most part) hospital was my safety zone. It was somewhere quite removed from the everyday. In fact, the only real thing I have ben feeling is extremely lethargic - in a physical sense. Falling asleep on buses, sofas and floors at the drop of the hat - however this seems to have passed (it might have something to do with the wonderful weather we have been getting.

So where from here? Where from the "watershed" of the anniversary? It is true, I do feel a sense that movement is being made and I am letting something go. It just isn't the fact that it happened, nor is it the memories of the people who didn't make their journeys. I didn't wake up on July 8th and think "wow, I feel just like I did on July 6th 2005" as if the last year hadn't happened. That day has left an indelible mark on everyone directly, and indeed indirectly, caught up in the attacks. Some physically, some menatlly. Some both.

However, I do feel that I am starting to push forward and push through to whatever is out there for me. But I will not forget.

My wife and I recently met up with our local MP to discuss our feelings with regards to a Public Inquiry, compensation issues and other things (mostly relating to problems my wife had faced when trying to find out to which Hospital I was taken - it took around five people on constant redial five hours to get through to the emergency helpline).

Compensation - fair compensation to people who have had their lives changed forever by a criminal act - is the one issue above everything that I want to push (and will do at a meeting between Tessa Jowell and John Reid which is to be held in the near future - should be fun). If people had lost limbs etc through a civil act of negligence, the payouts would go way over the £500,000 ceiling imposed by the CICA. While I do not begrudge payouts for such victims, surely the victims - the people who have lost limbs, lost family members, wage earners - should be similarly recompensed? They should not have financial worries. Full Stop.

This is unbelievable

Tanweer Video - The fact that it was released today is pure evil.

In it, he mentions Afghanistan and Iraq. He also said that innocent people (including Muslims) were killed because we elected the Government. Are you watching, Dr Reid?

Nearly Here

Please excuse me if this post is rubbish and nonsensical.

It is starting to sink in that (almost) 12 months have passed since Western Europe's first suicide bomb attack. Since the biggest attack on London since the second World War. Since four young men decided Since countless people's lives changed. Since I felt the full force of a bomb and was injured. Since people inches away from me lost their lives.

Since my wife received a babbling phonecall from me saying "I was in it.. I'm sorry, I've lost the wedding ring" when I had a gaping hole in my leg. Since my wife travelled down from Huddersfield in a car only to see the quite frightening sign "Avoid London. Area Closed". Since my wife spent five hours not knowing where I was following my phonecall as I didn't know where I was going to end up. Since my family (including my 80 year old Nana) came down to London from Sunderland not really knowing what to expect.

This week has been harder than most, for sure - it has been hard not because I am thinking of my own injuries, but for the people who did not make it. For their families. The anniversary effect is definitely active.

I am also thinking of everyone who lost their limbs and the fact they now have a daily struggle through absolutely no fault of their own as well as the fact that they have to struggle financially - it simply should not be happening. No excuses. NONE. This also goes for bereaved families who have lost not only loved ones but wage earners (this extends, for me, way beyond the 7th of July - it should go for anyone involved in any act of terrorism wherever it is).

I seem to be bouncing from subject to subject so will post something else tomorrow (if I can). In the meantime I will make dinner (or tea as I normally call it - I am from the North after all), put on some music and keep one eye on the football.

Hyde Park - Saturday June 17th

On the above date I went to the greatest gig I have ever witnessed (for sheer scale). 85,000 came to see Juliette and The Licks(who were excellent), Angels and Airwaves(who were not), Queens Of The Stone Age(who were amazing), Motorhead(rock personified) and the big headliners, Foo Fighters.

The whole day was great and not only was topped off by some storming performances but by the surprise appearances of Roger Taylor and Brian May to help out with "Tie Your Mother Down" - sheer class.

I had a brilliant time in the sunshine and my spirits were lifted for the day - I was even jumping up and down (admittedly I was predominantly on one leg but my leg was holding up nicely) but I had to move out of the way of some major moshing - I was a bit too worried that I would lose my footing and hurt myself; I also started to feel a little claustrophobic. However, I wanted to get as far to the front as possible as I wanted to feel the full impact of the music and lose myself in it, which I did for at least four hours. We had water thrown over us every other minute to cool us down which is very refreshing - it was good to be right in the thick of something so huge.

All in all a day to remember - a day that has made me glad that I am alive.

Catch up

I haven't been blogging for a while - it isn't anything to do with work or being busy - just plain laziness coupled with the fact that I'm walking around in a daze most of the time.

Quite a lot has happened since my last post - travelled to Huddersfield to see a fellow passenger who has moved back there - she helped save my leg and most probably my life - there is not anything I can do to adequately express how much her actions mean to me. her family are also some of the nicest people I have met (and I have met a lot of very nice people since July 05). Also there was the ISC Report, the Government Narrative, meetings with Tessa Jowell, the Home Secretary and the arrival of the London Assembly report - all 157 pages of it (Governmental cowards take note). I was at the public meeting to show support for all my fellow tube travellers. I decided not to proceed with my version of events as my memory has been badly affected and I am not the most eloquent of people - the people who did give testimonies, both public and private, said everything that I felt at that time.

The meeting with Dr John Reid, our Home Secretary - an interesting encounter, if not entirely fruitful. Basically he said "there will be no public enquiry as it will divert resources"; my wife (undoubtedly the brains of the Mitchell household) asked the Home Sec "so what level of resources would need to be used before it would divert from other investigations?". He did not have an answer for that. He made a big deal of the £2.5m extra. While anything extra is more than welcomed, he will not placate people who will need caring for the rest of their lives and people whos loved ones were tekn away from them.

On the domestic front, Flat number three has fallen through - a process which we began in October last year. Two flats in London and one house in surrey has fallen through for different reasons. We are now renting a basement flat for six months until we decide what to do. It seems likely that we will buy a house in Northern Ireland (where my wife is from), rent a flat in London, keep the house for a couple of years and then sell it as the house prices have started to rise there. Or we may move there completely. To be honest, I don't know whether I do want to leave London. I have an urge to succeed here (although in what, I do not know)

I am posting this now even though I do not feel like doing anything - to be honest, I'm in a pretty foul mood. I was really looking forward to living in the last flat we were going to buy. I just feel totally out of sorts and in a complete state of bewilderment. My trauma does not seem to be going away, my memory is still terrible and I just cannot think straight at all. I am glad to be alive but I am not happy that I feel like a shell of a human. My emotions have been scrambled to pieces, and it is now really getting to me.

There isn't really anything more to add, except I really feel like running away, but I will keep going. I have to. I feel quite guilty to have moments like this, as I should be living each day to the full - to honour the memories of the people who did not make it (for some reason I can't bring myself to say the D word), but there are days when I really want to just sleep - to shut myself out of the real world, becuase for every day that I think that the world is a wonderful place, there are two days when I think that the world, for want of a better word, simply sucks.

Sorry to end on such a sour note - I am sure I will feel better soon.

One down, one to go..

Blaming it on a lack of resources is just rubbish. Someone decides the amount of money and other resources available to MI5 and someone decides within MI5 how those should be allocated. These people should be held accountable when they get it wrong. We need a public enquiry into the basis of the decision to divert attention away from the bombers.

I do not know why the Government thinks a "narrative" (ie a story - well I'm sorry, I know how the story ended) is enough.

I will be watching Mr Reid's story-telling very soon.

CICA and the matter of Mr Holness

The way that our country's compensation board allocates payments is nothing short of disgusting. I, personally, couldn't give two figs what money is offered to me - there are people out there like Mr Biddell (who has family and friends running the London Marathon for him - while this is a truly wonderful things for them to do and I truly salute them they shouldn't have to do it - this man, and everyone else who have lost limbs and their way of life should be comfortable FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

Oh yes, to the average person on the street the CICA's top payment seems brilliant, but it is nothing when you have no legs, have to move house or totally renovate to fit around the life that was given to you by a man detonating a bomb feet away from you.

The Home Office has said that they have "previously proposed that the Criminal Injuries Compensation Scheme should remove the compensation award limit" but that victims of crime with minor injuries may not be entitled to any cash, just "practical help". Giving with one hand and taking with the other does not help the matter. The whole system needs to be updated and given much more focus as (God forbid) if this happens again the CICA have no excuses (we were not set up to deal with this scale of event etc).

I read the front page of yesterday's Evening Standard with great interest. Garri Holness, who was held up as a beacon of hope against adversity after the loss of his lower left leg, but later found to be part of a gang sentenced to seven years (but only serving three) for a brutal series of rapes on two girls. He was saying that his life has been ruined as he has lost his job after the relevations came to light. He stated that he "saw himself as some sort of role model for kids who have offended" and got their life on track. However, two facts cloud his statement - he lied about his conviction being quashed and , most importantly, he was then known as Gary Linton. So he changed his name to start his new life - to hide it away.

The article that the relevations stopped the airing of a "lucrative" book deal, a Christmas Single(?) and also a BBC documentary (which he later admitted being paid for - this can happen as I am being paid for a magazine article I did with a girl who saved my leg and, in fact, my life but I am giving every last penny to charity; there is no way I want to keep it for myself).

He was on the front page stating that he wasn't looking forward for sympathy but if that is the case why go to the media to say that? Don't get me wrong - to lose your leg and your mother in such a short space of time is something I wouldn't wish on anyone and we do have "free speech" but I do think he forgoed his right to de-cry his life when he forced himself on two girls. Time does not make that go away.

He survived - he should be thankful. I know I am, and even when I have had my major wobbles and thought "there were so many more vital people than me on that train and yet I survive? Why didn't I go and they survived?" I very quickly snap back and realise that the best thing I can do to honour them is to live my life as best I can.

Sorry for the rant but the article didn't sit easy with me at all.